Deep-Voiced Man Claims to be 12-Year-Old Son of UWS Family

Police are investigating the case of a tall, deep-voiced man who insists he is the pre-teen son of an Upper West Side family. Friends and neighbors say 12-year-old Samuel Tarpley was last seen a year ago watching cartoons and wearing a loose-fitting “Lion King” t-shirt. The man who now claims to be him “wears a size 9½ shoe and talks like a longshoreman,” according to a relative. Police have not ruled out foul play and even claim that Samuel’s 9-year-old sibling Ethan “has been acting very odd.” Relatives, however, say that is not unusual.

Man Seeking Lower Tax Bracket Becomes Children’s Author

A New York City man seeking to drastically reduce his income has successfully published his first book, “How About a Kiss for Me?” According to the publisher, the kids’ book has sold almost 8 copies nationwide since its publication in June and is likely to generate over $12 in royalties for Mr. Tarpley. One financial planner estimated that Mr. Tarpley’s second book, due out in 2012, should enable his family to file for personal bankruptcy by 2013.

Genetically Inferior “Show Dog” Indicted for Fraud

A Cocker Spaniel who claimed to have championship bloodlines was arrested last week for allegedly bilking an Upper West Side family out of their life savings. “Bailey,” who joined original family dog Kahlua in the apartment 18 months ago, is accused of running up massive vet bills to correct malfunctioning eyelids, misaligned teeth, and a cataract. “He’s had more surgery than Cher,” said his co-owner, Jennifer. “We could’ve gone on a Nickelodeon cruise,” sobbed the family’s two sons. Bailey was licking his privates and could not be reached for comment.

Plans to Repair Crumbling Bathroom “Next Year” Enter Second Decade

For the eleventh straight year, the owners of an Upper West Side apartment have decided to put off repairing crumbling tile, missing faucet fixtures, and a dangerously tilting tub in their sole bathroom. Neighbors say the owners of the small apartment no longer have overnight guests for fear that they may fall through to the floor below while taking a bath. “They claim they’re going to add a second bathroom and want to do all the work at once,” said a concerned neighbor. “Next year.” In related news, HBO has reportedly expressed interest in shooting the sequel to “Grey Gardens” at the home.